I am emotionally drained. Last night, we went to church and had a wonderful time. DH was in a great mood. Then we left the church in search of food. It was 10:30 on New Year's eve and I knew pickin's would be slim. There was nothing open uptown except for the bars and pubs. So we went downtown - closer to home - where there are several 24 hour restaurants to choose from. Driving down the road I couldn't decide what I really wanted. I suggested we get Ashley something from Taco Bell but DH was in the wrong lane to go to Taco Bell . And thats when it started. He said some really hurtful things so I just sat there and didn't respond. He was concentrating on the traffic and telling me how sick he was of me being so in-decisive ... That's when he saw the look on mine and Ashley's face. He started yelling at me because I was "doing it again" and that he was only playing and I needed to get over myself. Unfortunately I started crying.. and that set him off worse. Ashley was trying to console me ,bless her loving heart. DH said if I didn't shut up and dry it up , he was done with me. Sick of the way I was acting just because he tried to play with me. I don't say mean things to him when I play. I don't say that I am "tired of him" when I play. And I don't yell when he gets upset because of something I've done . I apologize. I apologize all the time ... It seems like I am always doing something to make him mad. Last night I saw the New year come in alone. I thought, when I stopped crying and ordered my food like he told me to, everything was ok by the time we got home. I don't know what happened. After he stomped through the house casting me looks as if I were a roach, he announced that he was "done" and he was going to bed. I asked him what I did ... he just got mad and said something like "you know..." No I don't know , that's why I asked. He laid in bed for a long time. I fell and Ashley helped me. Then I had to get his help with Ashley's vent.. I got yelled at again. I'm tired , sad , and scared. I can't let him know that I am still hurt or he will yell at me again. I am SO tired. He knows that I love him... I guess, that's why he knows he can treat me like this. About 1 a.m. or so I went to get my house shoes so I could walk the dogs, thats when he realized I was walking with my cane again. He never asked why I had to use my cane But he did tell me to get out of his way and he would walk the dogs. Then he logged on the computer and commence to ignoring me. I was in so much pain that I just went on to bed. Later when I needed help, he was acting like nothing had ever happened. And this morning he went on like nothing ever happened and he was never angry at me. I don't know what to do. I'm too tired ,and in too much pain, to fight and argue. I pray and pray but maybe I am praying for the wrong things. I'm ready to give up. I can't seem to do anything right ... out side of the bedroom that is. But his expectations of me are a whole "nother" story.
Well I've ranted and I do feel a lot better. I started this blog thinking that I wasn't going to make it through the day without having a nervous breakdown. I feel almost human again and I know that I need to hold it together for my girls.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
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5 comments:
These are classic signs of abuse. Mental, verbal and emotional. And you're right, Dot. He was NOT playing, no matter how much he "claims" he was.
Has he been deemed Bipolar or Schizophrenic, by chance? NOT that it is an excuse to be abusive to someone you claim to love.
It may be time to pack up what you can, yourself and the kids and leave. At least for a while. Let him stew and think of what he is doing to you, the kids, himself, and you two as a couple and a family unit.
I am sorry ya'll are having such a rough time I was up till 200 why didnt you call me??
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I was in a similar situation with my ex-husband and it did nothing but escalate. Be careful and remember what Maya Angelou is a great source for soul searching:
"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."
— Maya Angelou
"There's a world of difference between truth and facts. Facts can obscure truth."
— Maya Angelou
"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." — Maya Angelou
oops should have typed... and remember this... Maya Angelou is a great source for soul searching
Thanks so much for your support guys... Dh realized he had screwed up when I gave him a good chewing on Saturday afternoon then said I was going to Angels if he didn't shape up. He apologized and gave me a wide path til I had calmed down. Maybe I should have done that to begin with but I hate fighting in front of the kids.
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