The stress is killing us.

I am emotionally drained. Last night, we went to church and had a wonderful time. DH was in a great mood. Then we left the church in search of food. It was 10:30 on New Year's eve and I knew pickin's would be slim. There was nothing open uptown except for the bars and pubs. So we went downtown - closer to home - where there are several 24 hour restaurants to choose from. Driving down the road I couldn't decide  what I really wanted. I suggested we get Ashley something from Taco Bell but DH was in the wrong lane to go to Taco Bell . And thats when it started. He said some really hurtful things so I just sat there and didn't respond. He was concentrating on the traffic and telling me how sick he was of me being so in-decisive ... That's when he saw the look on mine and Ashley's face. He started yelling at me because I was "doing it again" and that he was only playing and I needed to get over myself. Unfortunately I started crying.. and that set him off worse. Ashley was trying to console me ,bless her loving heart. DH said if I didn't shut up and dry it up , he was done with me. Sick of the way I was acting just because he tried to play with me. I don't say mean things to him when I play. I don't say that I am "tired of him" when I play. And I don't yell when he gets upset because of something I've done . I apologize. I apologize all the time ... It seems like I am always doing something to make him mad. Last night I saw the New year come in alone.  I thought, when I stopped crying and ordered my food like he told me to, everything was ok by the time we got home. I don't know what happened. After he stomped through the house casting me looks as if I were a roach, he announced that he was "done" and he was going to bed. I asked him what I did ... he just got mad and said something like "you know..." No I don't know , that's why I asked. He laid in bed for a long time. I fell and Ashley helped me. Then I had to get his help with Ashley's vent.. I got yelled at again. I'm tired , sad , and scared. I can't let him know that I am still hurt or he will yell at me again. I am SO tired. He knows that I love him... I guess, that's why he knows he can treat me like this. About 1 a.m. or so I went to get my house shoes so I could walk the dogs, thats when he realized I was walking with my cane again. He never asked why I had to use my cane But he did tell me to get out of his way  and he would walk the dogs. Then he logged on the computer and commence to ignoring me. I was in so much pain that I just went on to bed. Later when I needed help, he was acting like nothing had ever happened. And this morning he went on like nothing ever happened and he was never angry at me. I don't know what to do. I'm too tired ,and in too much pain, to fight and argue. I pray and pray but maybe I am praying for the wrong things. I'm ready to give up. I can't seem to do anything right ... out side of the bedroom that is. But his expectations of me are a whole "nother" story.

Well I've ranted and I do feel a lot better. I started this blog thinking that I wasn't going to make it through the day without having a nervous breakdown. I feel almost human again and I know that I need to hold it together for my girls.

More Christmas fun

Some of the most fun I  (or anyone ) will ever have is to make gingerbread houses with the girls. We had a blast. And we got covered with icing and candy. But I am proud to say we got plenty on our creations too. Even Dad made one.. we have a miniature gingerbread village.

We all had our own house parts and the girls only needed a little help from the adults.Once we got the houses built , we let the creative juices flow.

The girls worked really hard on there confectionery abodes. And the results are good enough to eat...

But I wouldn't let anyone eat any... They have had enough sweets licking there fingers and eating the candy pieces. It was so much fun!

Tis the Season...

It's the most wonderful time of the year. It's time for being snowed in , no school and crafts. Do cookies count as crafts? We are baking Christmas cookies tomorrow AND decorating them (my favorite part). I have also been busy painting. Painting is my favorite hobby. I will paint on anything that will stand still long enough for me to put a picture on it (just ask my hubby) But I also enjoy painting ceramic, plaster and pottery. This week I am painting Christmas moose. They are adorable. And they will look even better when I am done painting!

See we have been having all  kinds of fun this week . Ash only had one day of school. And Aut came to visit early. Ash got to mail her letter to Santa... on the coldest day EVER! But her and Papa had such big plans of taking pictures of her mailing her latter and picking the best one for a Christmas card... They took the pictures and never said another thing about cards LOL. That my hubby's doing though he was frozen and realized maybe 8 degrees wasn't the best time to take pictures for a card because I ain't posing in that crap for nothing. But he got some nice pics even though we were all popsicles  LOL

So now that we are practically ready for Christmas... all we got to do is lay under the Christmas tree and sing carols and wait for the Big guy to leave our presents. Well that not all... We must remember the true reason for the season and praise Him for His grace. Ashley loves the part about how the wise men search for Jesus for years just to give Him gifts and praise His birth. Personally, I love the part about the Angels singing with voices as mighty as the sea about our Lord's birth. 

 God bless you all . I pray that peace finds all of you this season.

Christmas time is here

Here are the pics of the tree and of Tigger. O and I wanna send a big THANK YOU to Angel for keeping me warm earlier this week. Your couch sleeps like poop but I sure appreciate all you did for us! Love ya GF. Here are those pics:

Ok. As I said Tigger has seen better days... His wing has been broken off for years, I don't remember when his horn broke off. His head and his tail have been (re)glued onto his body... But how many 18-year old ornaments do you have in Pristine condition??? Besides it isn't how he looks , it is all the memories that come with him...

My Christmas wish is that each and every one of you are happy and you find that you can appreciate the  holidays a little more because you have someone who loves you by your side.

Thanks Amber!!!!

Check out my new background and stuff and it all so cool. Thank you to Amber, who did an awesome job!
Ok. I know I haven't blogged in a really long time but it is hard to blog when you get so far down in the dumps you can't even see daylight. But I am better now . I can't say I am 100% But I am forgiven for forgetting on whom I rely. God is my source and I know I can rest easy in Him. So, I may not blog every day but I will blog often.
 I got a job while I was away from the blogging world. I was working for a computer company. I didn't get past the first week before I had bronchitis, my blood sugar was 400 and I was depressed from being so sick. Depression is a side effect of Fybromyalgia and Diabetes. There are just times that I am down in the dumps. The government says we make too much for me to continue to get my disability check, but we don't make enough to pay our bills. So why am I not going back to work tomorrow? Because of their policies on  prayer ... For one and because I can take a hint. If I am going to get  THAT sick from 1 week working (there) then I would be terrifically stupid to push my health any farther. Yes, Angel, I have decided to get the Reliv for me and Kat after Christmas. If you haven't checked Angel out,she is my best friend and a great blogger... Go see for yourself. Anyhoo, back to why I am not going back to work tomorrow. Just because my hubby makes more than the approved limit amount for me to receive disability doesn't make me instantly able to rush out into the workforce again... I need to regroup and  give my health more consideration. But the biggest reason I am not going back to (there) is that I was told twice in a week that (they) frown on employees saying grace in their cafeteria. I was quietly thanking God for my food, I was not making a spectacle.I will do a lot for a company that I work with But I WILL NOT deny my God. I have said grace over my meals for years and i won't stop because someone else "frown's upon that type of behavior"... just saying. Now I don't want this to turn into a religious debate. To each his own and may God bless you in it. I am not the judge. I am just saying this is why I am not working for the company that I will not name. And if you happen to know the name , Don't put it on my blog. They track it, I've seen how they do it  (with keyword searches) and I don't want them sending haters onto my blog. I can get enough people riled up without having (them) pay someone to stir crap for me. Yes, that is what they do... people get paid to look up their company name all day and they get paid incentives for finding and ending bad publicity.It is creepy really.

Hey this has taken an ugly turn... Let's  get back on track. I am feeling much better now. I had bronchitis for about 2 weeks and but as time went by my blood sugar went back down and my lungs healed. When I next chose a jobs/career , I will be more aware of what stress does to my body and adjust accordingly.
Is everyone ready for Christmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate this month) ??? Me neither! I have one gift. and at least a dozen more to get. Danny and I have agreed to not get anything for each other , we are just getting gifts for the girls. The girls and Danny put up the tree today. It looks awesome. Maybe tomorrow I will post a pic. You can help me decide if this is Tiggers last year LOL. I'll explain it tomorrow.

Insomnia

Insomnia sucks! I don't suffer from it as often as I used to , but on the rare occasion that I can't snuggle down in my nice warm bed next to my loudly snoring hubby, it wreaks havoc on my  entire day/night. Usually i have the exact opposite problem . I am tired all the time and I sleep alot because fibromyalgia brings chronic fatigue over to play . I can't find a happy medium. Either I sleep too much or I don't sleep at all. Thank God for coffee. If it weren't for coffee, my 9-yr-old would never go to school because her Mom wouldn't get out of bed to get her there. If it wasn't for coffee my bi-polar child would have free run of the house without having to take her meds... Uhmmmmmmm, not happening in this life. And my hubby wouldn't have his clothes ironed ever. I iron when i can't sleep. And there is a definite difference in just not being able to sleep and the evil of insomnia. With insomnia , you can be so tired you desperately want to sleep but the sand man has forgotten your address. Laying there in the bed wishing for sleep because I can't sleep is the worst kind of torture. Then when dinner is about done,and I need to set the table OR when dinner is over and the 9-yr-old needs a shower... That is when the crash comes. Dinner is burnt , the youngun is smelly and I am out of order on the couch oblivious to every thing around me. That is when I rely on the competence of my hubby. He will supply or salvage dinner, He will set the temp in the shower, He will drag my butt to the bed if I am snoring too loud on the couch. But for now there is no crash in sight. And I get to use all this strange energy to for housework  which isn't getting done because I decided now would be a good time ( @ 2:15 a.m. ) to let my creative juices pour out in a blog.And since I think they are cute here is what my family looks like sleeping... Well not Danny if I posted a pic of him sleeping that may be ammunition for retaliation.

The drama princess ...

 They are sharing the keyboard shelf.

Been a long time

I enjoy blogging when I can convince myself that my thoughts need to be placed in a blog for anyone to see. I enjoy my privacy a lot. And I was raised that I should shut up until my presence was required But my opinion never mattered. That's why my girls have grown into opinionated blather mouths LOL. No really I love their freedom in thought and sharing what is on their minds. As I am raising my girls I am constantly reminded of how different our up-bringing is and how much happier they are. I listen to what they  have to say- even when they are just being silly; because I know if I don't listen to them every time, I may miss something important. Teenagers speak in code. Well actually so do tweens, but the teen code has evolved into a more intricate weave of jumbly-squeak. My autistic teen (like every teens I am told) speaks in puzzles and codes and apologetic mush almost all of the time now. Aspie princess is 18 but her emotional maturity is that of a 14-year old. I have a feeling that she will have to go through every phase of life twice before she overcomes that particular milestone. That's okay if we (and i mean I will be there every step of the way every time) have to travel the same worn and weary paths 5 or 15 times as long as Aspie princess is continuing to improve I will listen to her and laugh with her and take care of her. Then there is my tweens - for the purpose of simplicity from this point forward Ash will be tween 1 and Aut will be tween 2 (kinda like thing one and thing two only A LOT more distructive). Tween 1 is in a constant state of drama. This is a serious case of love the child , hate the deed, at times. I loathe drama I like for my little world to be as calm as I can get it with bipolar aspie princess around. But I must admit that the Aspie princess has improved greatly since they started her on lithium. All the other meds had her raging constantly. And now that the stress levels have lowered to a dull hum , the drama was wildly reduced until Tween one and Tween two started back to school. Everything is a dramatic event in tween 1's life. Homework can cause an upheaval of epic proportion. Tween 2 has a new boyfriend every two weeks ... I am caught in a episode of All My Children and all I can do is laugh. I know we have to sound very silly to the neighbors sometimes. This weekend tween 2 was here for her visit (she lives with her Mom , I am the Other-Mother) . Out came the make-up and nail polish, the glitter and goop - tween 1 and tween 2 exploded all over my house. Aspie princess piled right in with them... she's been doing that a lot lately. After they put on enough shellac for a Jan Crouch /Tammy Faye Baker make-up special, out came the barbies. Now both tweens and the Aspie princess have outgrown Barbies ,But They still love to do the hair and change the dresses. Within 3 hours that bedroom was covered from corner to corner with make-up, hair bows, and half naked Barbies. And I had to ruin all the fun by telling them to clean up their mess. I love being a mom to 3 great girls , I love being a wife to my wonderful husband. I praise God for my family and all his blessings on me everyday.

There they are... Aren't they all just wonderful !